vodkalips's Xanga

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 06:30:41 GMT

So it's back to this: tragedies. <33 No more drama. Thank you.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 06:44:41 GMT

You guys are so dumb (not that I'm not or anything). It amuses me to come home and read my wonderful comments that make no sense to me because people interpret my entries in such an in-depth way when what I wrote wasn't that important to me at all. Hahahaha. That's okay. It's not like I was straightfoward about that or anything. People love reading into things. Perhaps we all overanalyze. Who really gives a fuck. I'm so sleep deprived but it's all good. Off to Boston in three days. I won't miss you too much. Not these dumb comments anyway.

And no, Adrian, I'm not speaking only of you.

And while I'm at it. . .people (including myself) should think more before writing entries/infos/away messages because a lot of what they say totally puts down their friends who care a lot and try very hard. Nobody's got it super easy but it doesn't help when you say you're friendless when your friends are right there reaching out their arms to you. . .

I learned that way back in sixth grade when I was young&dumb (like I am now).

Monday, August 30, 2004

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 05:35:56 GMT

Umm. . .reading those comments was kind of funny. . .wow. . .on an emotion scale, that had about 0.5 emotion in it. . .wow. . .seriously. . .I wasn't even ranting. . .hahahahahah.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 02:30:10 GMT

Good news: I made Vars Bowling.
Bad news: I still suck.

Good news: I'm not taking any science courses this year.
Bad news: I hate school anyway.

Good news: I'm going to Boston next weekend.
Bad news: Um, my fingers smell like mustard even after taking a shower and washing my hands three times with dial soap and using Purell and then putting on hand lotion. . .

Good news: Esther's staying over for almost a month.
Bad news: She stole two of my drawers for her clothes and we have to share a small shitty room.

Good news: I got my permit.
Bad news: My parents still won't let me drive (even with them).

Friday, August 27, 2004

Fri, 27 Aug 2004 05:10:55 GMT

So tell me. . .what are we. . .because I'm falling hard and I'm falling fast and I hate hitting the ground. . .are you going to reach your arms out to me or are you going to turn away scared. . .or are you falling too? I don't know if you'll ever tell me. . .that makes me hesitant to tell you. . .

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Thu, 26 Aug 2004 04:46:34 GMT

What are you supposed to feel when your dad tells you to go away because he can't stand to see your face?

And when you did nothing wrong.

Came back three hours before actual curfew and told mother the whole truth about where you were and you didn't break the law at all.

I don't get it. . .

I'm trying to be good. . .

But all he sees when he looks at me is a failure.
Why?
I know I am alright at school. But only a 4.0 would please him.

Fuck you.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Wed, 25 Aug 2004 10:09:46 GMT

For me, summer was pretty shitty. And I said that I regret everything that I did, but I wasn't thinking when I said that. There are there very good parts about summer and the very bad parts. Overall, I've changed a ton. This change was not only active during summer. We are always changing. But I think if you compare myself to the person I was exactly a year ago, I think you will find dramatic differences.

I was going to be a freshman, so I was definitely excited about being surrounded by older and more mature (or so I thought) people. I was having arbitrary crushes on upperclassmen. Looking back on it, I think I was pretty stable. I finished eighth grade with nearly straight A's and did well in Algebra during the summer. I was getting new clothes and I started going to concerts and my group of friends expanded by a lot.

Now, I am going to be a sophmore. I hate the fact that school is in two days and I don't really give a fuck that I'm surrounded by people that think that they are all better than each other for some reason or another. I have a crush on someone my mother disapproves of who is not in high school. I don't know if I am stable but right now it doesn't matter. Stability only gives you the ability to become unstable. I finished my freshman year with a 3.5GPA but my grades have been becoming lower and lower. I did horribly in Chemistry Honors during the summer although my teacher gave me a better grade than I deserved. I am getting new clothes and I am still going to concerts and of course my group of friends will always be expanding.

I guess that's not really that dramatic. I don't know what I was trying to get at. I guess I left out the important things. Last year, I thought I was familiar with heartbreak and losing people and depression. Now, after one of the worst break-ups I'll ever have and after a lot of rocky roads with friends and becoming too familiar with cutting and overdosing for mulitple reasons, I am quite a different person. Better? Maybe. But definitely more experienced. I had a lot of new experiences this summer. You can make whatever inferences you want but it would probably be easier for you to ask me straight up instead of spreading rumors. I'm one of those people who doesn't really care what goes around about me because it doesn't change who I am, but there are a lot of people who do care that you shouldn't say anything about especially if you don't know them. That would make you an asshole. Anyhow. I've discovered that I've overrated alcohol, you don't have to do something illegal to do drugs, hurting yourself fixes nothing and makes nothing feel any better but can be fun if you have that sort of mindset, matches smell good and lighters are fun to play with, most people don't have their own lives so they feel that they must pay close attention to yours and make stories up to make your life more interesting, kisses don't always mean the same thing to both people involved, and of course, I hate school. Chemistry H ruined my whole outlook on school. I give up. Well, not totally. But yeah. All of my beliefs and goals have changed.

And I haven't written any poetry or prose for a long time. I'm not sure how much I want to. I may be afraid of what I spit out.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 09:03:34 GMT

7:30 English, Lee
8:30 Alg2/Trig, Oshiro
9:30DEF ICP, Gould
11:30 Spanish 3H, Fontenot
12:30 Asian, Straton
1:30 Photo1, Selarque

Haha. Cowell's homeroom moved to P206 so now we don't have to walk to the damn portables. . .

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Sun, 22 Aug 2004 08:09:24 GMT

Arrest me, darling. Ha. Ha. Ha. I like kissing you.

Friday, August 20, 2004

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 01:11:48 GMT

This is going to be a random entry. When I turn 18, I'm getting a tattoo. After I graduate, I'm going to get my lip pierced. Or maybe not. I don't know. I told myself last night (I was having a hard time falling asleep) that I was never going to wake up again. Incidentally, I recieved a very unexpected call two hours later that woke me up. It's not that I'm suicidal. I'm really not. I'm not much for dying, not that I'm much for living either. I keep trying to just have fun with life but fucking up 'cause I overrate the moment and underrate the aftermath. School starts in exactly one week. I'm a little afraid. I lost many, many brain cells this summer and the only thing productive I did was a little bit of reading. Chemistry, too, but that doesn't count 'cause I didn't really learn anything. I forgot most of the Spanish and my grammar has become a lot worse than before. I did a little bit of math this summer but it was only on Saturdays so I forgot everything before I went back for my next lesson. At least I don't have any science courses this year. I suck at science. I think I'm going to drop Child Development. I'm slightly afraid of my second semester because I have Photo2, Spanish3H, Alg2/Trig, English2, AP Psychology, and Asian Sem. After I drop Child Development, I hope I can move either AP Psych or Asian to the first semester. But I don't know 'cause I have team trip and all. I really wanna make the varisty bowling team this year but I'm not so sure about that since there are two freshmen with higher averages than me which makes me sad. I don't even know why I want to make vars so badly 'cause I suck anyway and it'll be embarrassing with my pathetic scores listed with all the other vars girls'. I really want to write something good but I have lost all talent. I'm off grounding tomorrow so all I've been doing for a week was watching movies, cleaning, and working. There's only a week left of summer and I'm working mornings this weekend and book day is on Monday. We still have bowling tryouts but I think the teams are going to be made tomorrow. I seriously need a garage sale to sell all this shit I cleaned out. Books, CD's, & clothes. Esther's coming over for ten days while her parents and her brother go to the East Coast and it will be awesome. Shit, I still haven't gotten my permit yet but I heard Sammie did. I think my parents might take me tomorrow morning if I wake up in time. I hope I pass the test but knowing me, I'll probably fuck up and get one too many wrong and fail. Heh, yeah, whatever. I'm going to go watch Catch 22, clean my room, and stuff. . .